what about lorenzos on yokohama tires?
what about when people say “take that chain off boy, you’re blinding me”?
what about the 40 billion candle light atop the Luxor?
what about drink till we throw up?
what about candy coated helicoptors with leather covers?
what about private planes with 30 inch lorenzos?

- Enron Poem

First off, I will never get to work at Goldman Sachs. To all those who would be aghast that I would could be an alumni of that Borat guy when I grew up driving farm equipment through lightning storms and I watch alot of movies, don’t worry. I’ve gotta be blacklisted there after three phone screens. There’s also the whole reduced liquidity in the credit markets crisis thing going on right now, and there has to be a some Bear Stearns guys that have more right to work there than I do.

I am a programmer with experience in Sybase, C++, and I have a degree with a really neat name — “Bachelor of Computer Science First Class Honors (Co-op option)”. It’s from a small university, but still, it’s a lot of impressive words crammed up together. I think I deserve a few hours of some GS executive’s time. I worked hard for that degree. For my last exam, we were allowed to take two pages for a cheat sheet into the exam for my networking class. This was the only time in my university career that this was allowed, so I took full advantage of it. I felt like the protagonist in Se7en during the opening credits while I was writing these.

I also worked in Omaha! That’s gotta account for something, no?

Now, why would anyone like Goldman Sachs prescreens? Why would I like them after I’ve been rejected? I should be angry, I should dig out my Canadian Communist Party membership card and start a blog about the cabalistic sect of bankers who parasitically eat uncooked hamburger meat in Lyon; meat bought by the hard work of EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO PRODUCES TANGIBLE PHYSICAL OBJECTS THAT CAN BE SOLD. THE MEAT IS BLOODY THEY ARE EATING YOUR BLOO…

No, no. Steak Tartare is good, and so are those who make capital more flexible. The raison d’etre of such organizations is to allocate resources to the those deemed most efficient, and to remove said capital from those enterprises deemed unworthy. If you want to bet that Kodak will still be able to sell photo paper 20 years from now, go ahead, give them your money. If you want to take over the company, you can, but it costs a lot less now than it did 10 years ago. To make money, they utilize acquired capital for other means, become market makers and take a small percentage of the transactions of each exchange of money for stock, or invest in the market themselves. The way to make money through arbitrage, or knowing more than everyone else. Expending this arbitrage by executing orders is noticed by others, and soon the information is well known. The price of a stock will reflect the real worth of an enterprise once all of these small accountings are tallied.

For example, take the example of a importer / exporter. They are taking advantage of information not known to everyone. They hunt out factories where things can be made cheaply. They find markets for what the factories produce. Once they find and utilize an opportunity, it will be reflected in the final price. Other importer / exporters must meet the new lower price. All of those who fail to take advantage of this new information will be out of business. The world becomes more efficient.

I really appreciated this concept when I was taking a tour in Amsterdam where the scheme for priming ocean trading voyages without the resources of a king or queen was proposed. Everyone bought shares by giving money to provide startup capital to these voyages; shares voyages deemed to be potentially more successful would be priced accordingly. Without the market, voyages would be decided on the whims of a few people. Now, everyone with capital has a say in what should be done with a working person’s labor and the resources of the world. We can use a wider set of opinions and viewpoints of the world, without hindrance of familial relations, malformed opinions, or incomplete information. No one is going to be searching for marble to make monuments; they’re going to fill the hulls with exotic spices or bananas. That is more efficient.

Keep in mind this is a simplistic argument and I’m not saying that large banks are faithful to the people they are serving. I am saying that we’re better off with them than without them.

Ok, now, why did I like these interviews? I loved the way the people who interviewed me talked. It was a pleasure talking to them. It was over the phone, so I wasn’t influenced by the cut of the clothes or subtle physical displays of authority. It was phone and the only way to convey information was through words. Everything they said was concise, to the point, and immediately understandable. There was no messing around; everything was about the work to be done. I got the impression that if you’re deemed worthy (which I wasn’t) and you did good work, good things would happen. Work was the measure of things there, one person couldn’t hold power for their own good against the interests of the company. If you’re good, that’s good. I’m not dismissing the importance of political maneuverings at large banks. I’m sure that those who relay information the quickest are rewarded well. My proposed roles would be very small part of the end goal, but they wanted someone who would be quick to respond to any problems that may arise. It was great to believe that there’s a world like that out there.

The reality would have been different, most likely. I would have crying next to that bull sculpture after some stressed up trader just spent 20 minutes yelling at me because I used an OUTER JOIN instead of an INNER JOIN. The interviewers probably sensed that. Those phone screens were awesome.

Directions:
1. Open your mp3 player.
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool.
7. Don’t skip songs.

1.) Opening Credits:
Thom Yorke - Cymbal Rush
Yeah, this works. I’m driving a 1987 Chevy Celebrity, the titles are some white (0xEEEECC ?) non-serif light weighted font at 20pt, going from the left to the right, stopping at the 80% mark from the right screen. It’s snowing.

2.) Waking Up:
Michael Jackson - Dirty Diana
Who cares. Nothing of interest to people outside of your own home happens an hour after you wake up. Might as well listen to Jackson. He made great music. I think I’ll put this on my cellphone and use it as an alarm.

3.) First Day at School:
Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up
Works, I guess. Violent. You gotta fight for the good places on the hang-out steps / tables.

4.) Graduation:
Air - Mer du Japon
Ooooh, ethereal. I don’t have time to figure out the French here, so I guess it works. Looking out at the sea is an apt metaphor for graduating, right?

5.) Fight Song:
Nirvana - Gallons of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through the Strip
This would work if you will filming a fight between 14 year old guys/burnouts where they didn’t know how to fight, and there was a lot of threatening and default insults (”your mother eats chicken feet.” or something) being bandied about. They’re fighting over a girl — listen to the lyrics.

6.) Breaking Up:
Charalambides - Drop
Nice gothy song. This song needs cheap ambient lighting — those Catholic candles atop of cans of Mountain Dew. I think it’s telling me that everything’s OK, but they’re talking in Vampire and I don’t understand Vampire.

7.) Happiness:
Jens Larkmin - Rocky Dennis’ Farwell Song
A song written in the key of H - the Happy Key.

8.) Life’s Okay:
Atmosphere - Little Man
Get this song. Best song on the list. Make your own comments.

9.) Mental Breakdown:
Legendary Pink Dots - Just Wave
This one didn’t work at all. Though, ANY other LPD song would have worked here, just not this one.

10.) Driving:
Coil - I Don’t Want to be the One
If I was in Iowa on Interstate 80 at 5 in the morning behind 5 trucks moving plastic crap that was made in 广州 to the Walmart Super center in Council Bluffs, I would like this song to be played. It’s better than AM radio: people calling to complain about zoning ordinances and to pick apart Hillary Clinton’s choice of what tie to wear.

11.) Flashback:
Beck - Broken Drum [remix by Boards of Canada]
Flashbacks are about the only thing Boards of Canada do, so good on this randomized list for putting it here.

12.) Getting Back Together:
Lady Sovereign - Blah Blah Blah
“ch-ching!” Cheese and Toast? Why does she always rap about rubbish food? I don’t know how this one would work. Whatever, only wusses get back together. ;P

13.) Wedding:
Linkin Park - Breaking the Habit
This is funny… “Hon, I swear I’ll stop the heroin, OK? Let’s just wait until all this wedding crap is over with! One, no, half of one, right before we go to bed, right?.”

14.) Birth of a Child:
Dominique Petitgand - Train-Train
I bought this during my learning French phase. It’s atmospheric instrumentals with samples of family in Belgium talking about kid-centric family things: baths, ghosts, closets, food. Not translating, sorry. I only know births from movies though, so this one would be a birth as presented in a CBC drama about a family who barely survived the winter in Saskatchewan. An older midwife dispenses advice, doors randomly shut as people who are unable to do anything try and act concerned, there’s water, and the music sounds like waiting. Not a song from the mother’s POV, I’d say.

15.) Final Battle:
Grandaddy - My Small Love
In a crappy anime youtube tribute video, where two sisters called A-ko and B-ko fight, maybe this works. In the end, one of them falls into lava (”burned in the sun”). B-Ko, she’s the one that dies.

16.) Death Scene:
Mathew Jonson - Typerope
I’m sure the people who scored those British crime movies like “Shallow Grave” could make use of this in a death scene. I can’t see how, though. GENIUSES!

17.) Funeral Song:
Outkast - Mamacita
It’s got Latin American women rapping, which I now will request at my funeral. Live ones, not a recording of them. (”Mamacita! Papadaña!”)

18.) Religious Views:
Handsome Boy’s Modeling School - It’s Like That (Feat. Casual), I am Complete (Feat. Tim Meadows)
The title works for describing religion REALLY WELL (except for the Tim Meadows part), but the song doesn’t really work.

19.) End Credits
Leonard Cohen - Be For Real
Oh god, such a cliche. Leonard Cohen. He says, “Thanks for the Song, Mister Night.” as “The producers would like to thank the citizens of Vancouver, Canada.” rolls down on the screen.